If at first you don't succeed, start looking around for someone to blame.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.

-Mark Twain

It's a good idea to have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

-Rita Rudner

I told my doctor "It hurts when I do this." He said, "Don't do that."

-Henny Youngman

If your plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters! Stay Cool!

-Unknown

I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.

- Unknown

Be yourself everyone else is taken.

Be sure you taste your words before you spit them out.

Cancel my subscription I don't need your issues.

-Unknown

I don't believe in beating my kids. So I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt and Crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

-Adam Sandler

Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.

I can't believe I work this hard to be this poor.

-Unknown

I told you I'd be ready in 5 minutes, stop calling me every half hour.

Why is it called beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll?

-Unknown

Exercise in the morning before your brain figures out what you are doing.

If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it.

-Chinese proverb

If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine it's lethal.

I changed all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it will tell me "Your password is incorrect."

-Unknown