Always try to keep a smile on your face because it looks silly on other parts of your body.

My horse finished so far back, the jockey had to run ahead of him with a flashlight.

- Bob Hope

One psychiatrist I know uses shock treatment. He gives you the bill in advance.

- Harry Hershfield

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

- Rita Rudner

I'm getting fed up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies. From now on I have to pay in advance.

- Roger Dangerfield

I asked my shrink to show me one positive result from all my visits. He showed me his new Porsche.

- Gene Perret

I believe in honesty and integrity. Someone asked me what I would do if I found $1 million dollars in the street. If it belonged to a poor person, I'd give it back.

- Gene Perret

Kids only want high technology toys nowadays. My son has an imaginary friend that requires batteries.

-Gene Perret

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

-Earl Wilson

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three....he was a genius.

- Sid Caesar

Our village idiot locked his keys in the car. It took him an hour and a half to get his wife out.

- Henny Youngman

Where I live, we don't worry about crime in the streets. they make house calls.

- Milton Berle

I went to a bookstore and I asked the clerk where the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you, that would be defeating the purpose."

- Brian Kiley

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

- Victor Borge

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

- Will Rogers

My wife makes the budget work. We do without a lot of things I don't need.

- Milton Berle

If you are going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow....sleep late.

-Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed, I'd stay away from skydiving.

-Milton Berle